God Gave Me You.

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

Dave Barnes - God Gave Me You

Black Friday!

"I desire the things which will destroy me in the end." - Sylvia Plath

Don't make someone your priority when you're only their option

I'm going to make a change. My hair will be shorter and have red streaks in it if all goes according to plan. You see, I'm desperate to chance my feelings and since I can't control those I'm going to change the things I can, like my hair. I just wish I had some sort of romantic outlet. I have all these romantic notions and feelings and quotes and lyrics and no one to share them with or apply them to. I am beginning to the that instead of being hopelessly romantic I am just romantically hopeless...and picky. *sigh* It's just one of those days...

No facebook?!?!?!

I'm taking a break from facebook because it has come to my attention that I'm very addicted to it, and what's worse is I've let what people post - specifically one person - really begin to affect me. I thought exposing myself to it would help me get over him but I came to realize it was knocking me down and that I need to separate myself from him as much as I can bear. Let me tell you breaking two addictions at once is a hard task. Thankfully I am ever so agonizingly, slowly getting over him and I've even begun to develop some minor feelings for someone else. What I'm afraid of though is plowing forward with this new interest despite not being over that first and ultimately hurting an extremely decent and wonderful human being. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened, but at the same time I don't want to just sit around constantly nursing my broken heart and waiting to see if boy #1 maybe comes around. His heart is invested in someone else so why can't I do the same?

On another line of thought, It kills every time someone thinks I'm dating the first guy. I've had to explain to far more people than I'd like about how we're not together and how we're not going to be together anytime in the near future and that he doesn't even like me. To make matters worse people don't believe me. -_- Today a woman saw me hand him my keys and I saw this look cross her eyes. I'm sure a thought along the lines of "What a cute young couple" crossed her mind and that stung like a thousand bees attacking my heart. I wanted to turn around and clarify: "We're NOT dating." But saying it out loud would only feel like a punch on top of all those bee stings.

I can't seem to figure out why everyone seems to see us together except him. My only conclusion is that my affections for him are so strong that they kind of eclipse our whole relationship and that's all that people see. Another could be that it's extremely rare for a male and female to be that close of friends and not date.

The thing is I'm torn between two completely opposite emotions. On one hand I'm utterly infatuated with him, and he's a wonderful person and deserves that type of love and I wish I could be that for him. But, I know that my love is not helpful, but actually a burden for him, and what he needs - at least from me - is a great, fantastic friend who is there for him through thick and thin and takes that extra step to help ease his burden. And I want and even love being that person for him. I'm trying so hard to only be that person for him but I can't ignore my self. I've always played the part of the good friend in all my cross gender relationships and I'm ready to try a romantic relationship, my only problem is that there's no one else in my life at that point. I'm struggling with trying to figure out whose need is more authentic and greater and most of the time my decision is on his side, but is there a point where my need would trump his own? For example, he's ready to try another romantic relationship, albeit with someone else, but if he's attempting to get those needs met by someone else does that kind of relieve me from duty and free me to pursue my own? I think it would be immensely easier if I could fulfill both those roles. In that situation both our needs would be met by each other which is exactly how a relationship works. Alas, that is not how life works. Now I'm watching him go through almost THE EXACT situation with a girl that I'm going through with him. Ironic much?

I'm fully confident that God has a plan in motion and I should have known to guard my heart in this friendship. Our friendship means so much to me and I'm struggling to figure out where the boundaries are between friends and more than friends. I like how things are right now, but my emotions are getting in the way and the fact that people think we're dating means that we need to be more conservative with our boundaries. But, I feel like that relationship sucks. I don't want to have a more distant friendship where we don't hang out one on one and can't be open with each other about stuff. WHY CAN'T WE JUST DATE?! Blah. Stupid emotions.

All these complications make me emotionally "drunk" if you will. Then I come here or write in my journal and end up just regurgitating everything I'm feeling and I feel better and I cope. But I don't know if that's the proper way to deal with things...

Last week I took on too much emotionally; I was angry at something somewhat petty, but important to me and I was heartbroken to see his affections aimed at someone else. Which hurts a lot, yes, but I know how to deal with that pain. I could write a freaking book on how to deal with that. The hardest emotion to deal with was knowing that the person he cares for is already in a relationship and leading him on hardcore. It was VERRRY obvious. THAT, I was not used to dealing with. I felt his pain and unjustly felt angry toward the girl for putting him in a position that is eerily similar to my own, but ultimately worse. My heart automatically wanted to go out and feel for my friend, but when it did it was still healing from being broken by the same person - unintentionally - and coping with being angry at said person. Who knew it was possible to like someone, be angry with them and empathize with them?! WAAAY too many emotions right? No wonder I was a mess.

Thankfully, OH SO THANKFULLY I'm better, I've handled the anger and kind of shrugged off most of the empathy - to my dismay - because I just can't right now, and my heart is healing. Authentically. Because God cares for me and by committing more of my heart to him the earthly "loves" slowly fade. I know that if it's his plan for me to share an earthly love with a man he'll make a little piece of my heart available to give him, so long as I love my God first and foremost. Pretty easy conditions if you ask me. I just gotta learn to be patient. Easier said than done you say? Watch me. There is nothing that is going to stop me from trying my hardest and not messing up. Again.

It would be easier to let you go if I didn't have to

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Addicted - Kelly Clarkson