I'm starting to think that moving back home was a bad idea. After leaving for school life became absolutely wonderful and when my dad asked me if I was going to move back home after graduating I thought he had lost his mind. I guess two years away was enough to make all the awful fights from my first two years of college significantly dimmer. Unfortunately nothing has changed. Same old story. Dad wants girl to be indentured servant, girl wants to be independent, Dad says rent or work for him, girl is broke (now with $17,000 in school loan debt) Girl feels trapped, alone. Learned helplessness is beginning to set in. I don't feel like I have a family anymore. My dad thinks all I want to do is sit around and do nothing, and while yes, that is the case sometimes (who doesn't want a break now and again?) it is not even close to always being true. I want to get a job and work possibly full time starting in January but at the same time I want to be refreshed for grad school. Living at home mentally wears me down and breaks me. I'm at the point where I'd rather be financially broke than mentally. Living at home sucks. I want to go back to school.

Sisters

Tonight was a new experience for me. All the girls on COM had a time of prayer and addressed something we were struggling with and a prayer for God's help. I was overwhelmed by all the women around me who struggled with a variety of things, things that I also struggle with at times. The new part for me is I wouldn't consider myself the one in need of prayer. I mean, I always can use prayer, but seeing the beautiful sister's around me struggling and suffering really inspired me to be a prayer warrior for them. It's the healthy soldiers that get sent to fight for the weak and hurting. For one of the first times in my life I'm in the state to be a warrior. My life is fairly easy. I'm waiting on grad school apps, my classes are light, my role in COM is fulfilled and I have lots of people helping me. I'm getting a real life definition of God lavishing me with blessings and realizing that his love and blessings are more abundant than we can imagine. Today I realized God had given me more blessings than I could imagine, and by then end of the day he had given me even more. "Morning by morning new mercies I see."  I am convinced that I am to pour out on others all the blessings that have been poured on me. I know God will be my strength so I can be a warrior for the amazing girls I am surrounded by.

Epiphany

I've discovered something very important and exciting today.

I like myself.

Quite a lot.

I think I'm fun, nice, pretty, loveable, kind, and so on an so on

Perhaps its all the extra endorphins from doing Zumba, or maybe, just maybe I've finally learned to love myself :)

Maybe both! Haha.

I don't think I'm perfect by any means, and I don't think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. BUT, I am not ugly. And that's a-ok with me!

Either way, I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of my own equivalent of prince charming, I'm worthy of being chased and my love being worked for. And there may not be an earthly man who does all those things. But that's ok. Because, I know my heavenly father does :)

Life is GOOD!

You'll find somoene someday...

I have a pet peeve I'd like to share:

 I get so annoyed when people say that I'll find a man someday. Sometimes it's accompanied with compliments to make me feel better, or people adding in a comment about Gods timing. But the gist is always the same. And it almost infuriates me. The first thing that comes to mind when I hear that is God hasn't promised me anything about having any sort of man in my life but himself. So, really your words of encouragement and your guess and your assumption based on statistics which are, yes, in my favor of finding someone someday, are merely that. Guesses. There's a chance I may never marry as well. It's all about God's plan which I have no insight into right now.

But, I think part of the anger is a whiplash reaction to people commenting on and acknowledging that they have figured out my biggest fear. It's not like I try to hide it, but it is uncomfortable to acknowledge it. ESPECIALLY when I wasn't intentionally bringing it up. It's normal for me to get angry when people show that they have insight into me without me out rightly telling them something. Weaknesses are something we guard and try to hide because someone can hurt us if they know what they are.

Also, it annoys me when someone shrugs that statement off. It's almost an irritated answer. Just because a majority of women struggle with this fear doesn't mean slapping some generic band aid comment on it will make it better.

The bottom line is that God is in charge of my life. Maybe he'll give me a spouse and maybe he won't. Either way he's got my best interest in mind and no matter which way I go it'll be the best life God could give me. UGH. Don't tell me I'll fin a man!

That's the Truth Ruth.

"Can I say something to you young ladies here? I'm trying to pick my words carefully here. Your husband, whoever he is, single ladies, will have an unbelievable amount of influence over your sons and daughters in regards to spiritual things. If you want your children to love Jesus deeply, hold out for a man that is Godly. And let me tell you this: I am well aware that Godly men are rare. Lots of neat Christian boys, not a lot of Godly men. And we're working our tails off for you to try to develop some into that. But don't settle, because it's better that you be lonely now than you be married and lonely later. Are you tracking with me? It is better that you be lonely now than for you to get married to a man that will teach your kids everything but the way of Jesus." -Matt Chandler

"He's a good time cowboy casanova leanin' up against the record machine. Looks like a cool drink of water but he's candy-coated misery. He's the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night. Gives you feelings that you don't wanna fight. You better run for your life." I was suppose to keep myself in check. *sigh* I failed. I caught myself day dreaming about him yesterday and today. AND I was waaaaay too disappointed that I didn't get to see him this weekend. This has gotta end now. It's going to end now. I'm worried though. I can't seem to shake this whole fall-really-hard-for-guys after a short period of content with being single thing. People are always saying love will find you when you're not looking. I don't think I'm going to ever stop looking. When you want something SO BADLY how are you suppose to just give up and stop looking? At this rate I'm never going to fall in love. *sigh*

CRAP

crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAP!

I was in a good place and then I started thinking too much again. I'm in the early stages of a crush and I need to get back out somehow. I know he's not interested so I think

I need to just stay friends with him but not hang out any more than we were before my crush flared up.

I need to keep myself in check when I'm around him and not look too much into his actions.

I need to remember that I can accept the affirmation and attention from him, but that doesn't mean I need to fall head over heels for him.

I need to remember he just wants to be friends

I need to remember that God is in control of this and just because this one guy isn't interested at the moment doesn't mean no one is ever going to be.

I need to remember to be patient, stuff like this takes a lot of time. A LOT of it.

I need to remember that I am beautiful, smart and funny, that a guy would be lucky to have me and that I have worth.

I need to realize the value of having a friend I'm not crushing on

I need to just live life in the most God pleasing way possible, have fun and feel good about myself.

I need to remember that it's ok to do nice things to show people how I feel, I just can't have any expectations in return.

I don't need this guy or any guy. I'm not lonely - I have a lot of really great friends.

Someday I WILL get to cuddle, hold hands and kiss. SOMEDAY.

Bumps in the Road

I've FINALLY gotten to a good spot again. My heart is my own again and I've decided to give it to God who's the only man who can keep it safe. But, I keep running into the desire to be loved by a guy here in person. I know this is normal but it's difficult to stay strong and ignore the crushes I feel forming on guys or not acting in a way so that guys affirm my worth and beauty by giving me attention. I really, really want to like someone and have them like me back and just plain be in LOVE. I know that's not the right place to look though. I keep thinking I'm seeking God for the fulfillment of those desires but they're not going away. I'm also struggling with the need and desire to be affirmed by guys. I caught myself desperately wanting a guy to want to sit next to me, to compliment me in any way, to WANT me and find me breathtakingly gorgeous and want to full out pursue me. I know these feelings are natural, but I don't think it's right to act on them and try to get that affirmation. But, I don't know how else to get it either and it's leaving me frustrated and depressed. I'm trying to live my life in a way that's pleasing to God and have him fulfill these desires but it's not working and maybe I'm just not doing it right. The bottom line is I feel alone and empty and just sad. All I know to do at this point is to tell God about it and give it to him.

Bye, bye love I'll catch you later

Boy you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light
Maybe I read you wrong thinkin' you could be my Mr. Right
I was puttin' my heart and soul on the line
Said you needed some time, just a little more time to make up your mind
Well it's been long enough
Time is up

Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
I ain't never lookin' back. And that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before
You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on highway 4
Baby what did you expect me to do
Just sit around and wait on you
Well I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth
And I know it sounds trite
I've seen the light

Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back, and that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

I'd lost the game I guess
I did my best to win the part
Now I'm leavin' here with what's left of my heart.
Bye bye, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back.
You can count on that.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Bye bye
Ooh baby
Oh oh
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Rain

Tonight a small thunderstorm rolled through. I loved seeing the lightning and hearing the thunder. Liz and I decided to run out into the rain for a few minutes while Lizzard took some pictures. I love running and playing in the rain even when it's February and completely freezing. It's so freeing and exhilarating. Instead of running away and hiding from it it feels great to just embrace it and have fun.

This reminds me of something our speaker J.K. Jones Jr. said a few weeks ago on retreat. He talked about how we waste pain by trying to avoid it and get it over with when pain is actually a great tool for growing in our relationship with God. With the way things have been going the last few months I couldn't agree more. So instead of running away from our pain like we do a torrential downpour, we should embrace it, run around in it, explore it and find God in it. When we ask for God's help to run through the pain it's more manageable and when it's over we've developed this close bond to him that can only be found through the pain.

Changes

Who are you? I don't know who you are anymore. In the past 9 months you've completely changed. Unless you were completely faking last summer. Even still. You've changed so much. For the worst in my opinion. We talked about God, our faith, the hard stuff. What changed? Now you're colder, meaner, considerably less loving. I don't want to love you let alone spend 5 minutes with you. Who in the world are you? You can't possibly be happy with this person you've become. Where's the guy that wrote that note taking about romance and loving everyone, all people and that guy who wants to have a relationship and pursuit of God as his primary goal? Where did he go???? HE'S that one I want to be with. HE is a man worthy of girl's affections. HE is the one i want to be friends with. Looking back I can see where the changes started ever so slowly 9 months accumulation of slow festering awful life changes is very apparent now. You don't love like you used to, and maybe some of that is my fault for pushing and being stupidly stubborn in my pursuit and feelings for you, but you had, and you still have a choice. Don't be the douche who swears all the freaking time, the one who is easily annoyed by people, the one who fights fire with fire and is utterly awful to people who are mean to him. The one who wants to get drunk to avoid feelings. The one who wants to bottle everything up. I know you know the truth, the bible but you chose to ignore it and subsequently ignore God. If I miss the old you that I barely knew, how much does God miss you? I don't think you should change just because I, Ruth, think you should. That's dumb. But I think you should change because GOD wants you to live a lifestyle that honors and pleases him. There's no better reason than that.

On a different note. Do you want to know the back story of my falling for you? It started last spring when I was growing with God sooo rapidly and was growing in my contentment with being single. I wasn't completely thrilled, but it was the best I'd ever been. I had been making a list of all the ideal qualities I would find in my future husband. One day I decided to add "not from Illinois" to my list because I like to travel and I wanted to be able to see new places. I then was really sad because what were the chances of me finding someone not from this state at a STATE school. Not even a few weeks later I saw you sitting by yourself and opted to keep you company. You wanna know what what of the first things out of your mouth was? "I'm from Michigan." Maybe it was a sign then, maybe not. It doesn't matter now but that exact moment was when I decided to ask God if maybe he was finally giving me what I'd been not so patiently waiting so long for. We would talk for hours that felt like mere seconds. At one point I pulled out my list of ideal qualities I want in a husband and you fit if not every single one, almost all of them. Maybe I exaggerated a bit because I wanted to make it work, but either way it did. Then summer started and I knew I wouldn't see you until next fall. So, we talked through messages. We started debating about the hard questions in our faith. We taught each other, sharpened each other and quoted scripture to each other. We talked about how good we thought God was and our goals to grow in Christ. Can you blame me for falling for you after that?

Then you came to visit me in August and we again, spent hours that felt like minutes talking. After this though, things started going bad at a sloth pace. We didn't talk about God anymore or faith. My relationship with God wavered and my boy craziness took over but we became best friends so I was happy. You started opening up to be, you told me your ex-girlfriend's name and I thought for sure that that was a great sign. Then the weekend before Halloween rolled around. You hadn't actually been being completely open with me which was fine, but you were hurting because you'd fallen for a girl who already had a boyfriend but was still leading you on hardcore. You opened up to me again after getting completely obliterated drunk. You talked about your ex, your hurts, your dark past, and this new girl. It hurt me to see you hurt and to listen to what you were saying. I cried. BUT I STAYED THERE FOR YOU. Halloween came and I realized the extent to which you liked her and didn't like me. That killed me, but I understood - at least to an extent. A rift formed that day and although we tried to fix it and made it manageable to handle, it couldn't be perfect again.

Flash to the night you texted me 'cause you needed to talk. You were so hurt and that hurt me and I wanted to reach out and comfort you but I was worried that my emotions would get in the way. I just wanted to be there for you without *me* causing more problems.

I drove you home when you were drunk that night right before winter break. I stayed with you until 5 in the morning. I asked you if you ever thought of me as more than a friend. You said you had, but you had friend zoned me. You assured me that there was an extremely small change that you'd ever let me out of the friend zone.

Then I went home for winter break. The day before I left I asked you if you'd miss me. You're response was encouraging, something along the lines of a "DUH" and you came to visit me for news years eve where my friends tried to set us up. I wanted to kiss you SO BAD but I couldn't promise you that nothing would change because the biggest thing I wanted was for something to change. I thought maybe you seemed a little rejected at it, but I guess I was wrong.

I then told you that I had been struggling with my feelings for you so we decided to distance ourselves this semester. I hated that decision, still do. That night I got drunk because it hurt and that's the last time I ever want to do that. It didn't help.

Now were here. Our friendship wrecked. We hardly talk or see each other.

If I was really such a great friend why have you just let me go? I think you're full of crap excuses. I don't know who you are, I don't know if I ever actually did. Let it be known that if I walk away from this friendship it's not because your past was too dark or because of anything you've ever done. It's because of what you DIDN'T do. You didn't man up and confront you feelings for five minutes, you didn't make a proactive steps to try and fix our friendship that was "so great", you didn't come after me when I walked away.

Will I ever know?

how it feels to hold you close.

I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wA4ppvp2IzY

I fake a smile so he won't see

I bet she's beautiful that girl he talks about and she's got everything that I have to live without.

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star. He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do.

Can he tell that I can't breathe?

She better hold him tight, give him all her love. Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause.

So I drive home alone as I turn out the light, I put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight.

The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart.

I fake a smile so he won't see.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93P47RXF2JY

Confusion.

"Run towards God with all your heart. And when you are ready for a relationship, look around and see who's running beside you."

I thought that's what I did.

Way back last April you caught my eye like a comet streaking across a night sky and I thought to myself "Perhaps this is it." And it certainly started that way. You were the first one to give me all your attention, we talked almost non-stop. If I had had the choice it would have been that way. Through out the summer it stayed that way and although I knew deep down that when I saw you beside me I stopped running I convinced myself to ignore that. Now looking back at it all I can see that I back tracked to meet you where you were when you didn't even want me. Not only was I rejected, but I gave up what should have been most important to me.

Now I'm getting back on track though. I've found the path I was initially on again and have retraced those steps. I'm not in a great place, but it's better. If you run down this path to we could be together, don't you see that? But, I guess that doesn't interest you because you don't want me.

Or do you? I honestly don't know at this point. I can dream and hope for the best and I can suspect the worst but I don't KNOW. What kills me is when I talk with others they all keep telling me you must like me. Surely if they all think you do, and if I think you do, you do? But, you promised you'd tell me if you ever had feelings for me and your actions speak that you don't. But, maybe you're just covering it up? You cherish my friendship to the extent that you would hide romantic feelings to maintain it? If that's the case it breaks my heart. You don't know how long I've been waiting to be loved by a man.

I had a dream about you last night. We were in a sort of movie theater and we were standing by a screen. I had my arms wrapped tight around your waist and your arm was around me. After a second you leaned down and kissed my forehead. In the dream all I could think was "This is it! FINALLY. After all this time he really does feel something and he's finally going to share it with me." Then I woke up. The dream was so real, so vivid. It took me a couple minutes to discern that yes, this really was a dream and that I've never, ever wanted a dream to be as true as this one. I wanted to cry. I still do.

All I can do now is cry out to God and run to his arms for a refuge. I constantly am asking him to reveal what's really going on with us, but for some reason I don't think that's in his plans. I haven't stopped loving you yet. I wish it weren't such a slow process and that God would just snatch it all away already.

Take It All - Adele

Didn't I give it all,
Tried my best,
Gave you everything I had,
Everything and no less?
Didn't I do it right?
Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to
By having me around.
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears?
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here.

[Chorus]
But go on and take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all
With my love,
Take it all
With my love.

Maybe I should leave
To help you see ‒
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need.
So is it over?
Is this really it?
You've given up so easily,
I thought you loved me more than this.

Precious

"If this comes creased and creased again and soiled
as if Id opened it a thousand times
to see if what I’d written here was right,
it’s all because I looked for you too long
to put it in your pocket. Midnight says
the little gifts of loneliness come wrapped
by nervous fingers. What I wanted this
to say was that I want to be so close
that when you find it, it is warm from me."

Show me your cards

Lately we're playing this sort-of poker game.
I hold back what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling
You do too.
But, what if this isn't just some game?
Real emotions are involved
Is winning this game really worth it?
You win
I'm laying down my cards
I.
Miss.
You.
I miss you more than I ever thought I would
Or could
It's not that I need you,
But life is so much easier
With
You
Despite all the drama and flaws you bring with you
You make me happy
You make me want to strive to be smarter,
Better
You mean more to me than I even realize
So what are your cards?
Please lay them down
Show me how you really feel
Forget the lies
Is having the best poker face really worth it?
Not only are your emotions on the line
But mine as well
If you want me like I want you
Tell me
I'm so tired of fighting against this
Especially if you want it too.
But, maybe you don't
I can't know for sure
And this drives me mad
Show my your cards
Release me from this madness
Please