Holy. Smokes.

It's been just shy of 5 years since I last posted on this blog. Talk about surreal. I've just spent an hour or so reading through my previous posts and let me tell you: there is a HUUUUUGE difference between 22 year old me and 27 year old me and yet, some things haven't change at all. Much to my dismay -_-

I've been toying with the idea of starting a new blog because I've really hit a very rough patch in life. I think having somewhere to process and digest what I'm discussing in therapy will really be beneficial. Initially, I was going to start a new blog but have you seen how many options there are now days?! And, all blogs seems to think you'll be sharing your thoughts and focusing on certain topics. I just want a place to basically be a journal because I can't write as fast as I think with pen and paper. So, I'm here again. I figure no one really read this thing in the first place, so it's a safe space to digest my new life problems. Yay!

To sum up where I'm at in life at this time, I'm currently one semester away from graduating with my masters degree in Occupational Therapy. I should be graduating in about a month, but due to personal mental health, difficult life circumstances and unattainable demands I am delaying graduation a semester.

Also, I just got out of a very long, serious and apparently incredibly unhealthy 3 year relationship :/ This is where most of my musings will focus I would imagine. My ex feel out of love with me (whatever the hell that means) and also emotionally cheated on me. There are few ways the break up could have been done worse, in my opinion.

Finally, my father is incarcerated and has been for the past 14 months. This is also a very convoluted situation but basically the results are that I'm living at home with my mom to help with household things and looking out for her.

Basically, I've changed. A LOT. And life has been quite a shit show in the last few months. BUT, there are big changes on the horizon (whether I want them or not) so lets see what the future holds together!

I'm starting to think that moving back home was a bad idea. After leaving for school life became absolutely wonderful and when my dad asked me if I was going to move back home after graduating I thought he had lost his mind. I guess two years away was enough to make all the awful fights from my first two years of college significantly dimmer. Unfortunately nothing has changed. Same old story. Dad wants girl to be indentured servant, girl wants to be independent, Dad says rent or work for him, girl is broke (now with $17,000 in school loan debt) Girl feels trapped, alone. Learned helplessness is beginning to set in. I don't feel like I have a family anymore. My dad thinks all I want to do is sit around and do nothing, and while yes, that is the case sometimes (who doesn't want a break now and again?) it is not even close to always being true. I want to get a job and work possibly full time starting in January but at the same time I want to be refreshed for grad school. Living at home mentally wears me down and breaks me. I'm at the point where I'd rather be financially broke than mentally. Living at home sucks. I want to go back to school.

Sisters

Tonight was a new experience for me. All the girls on COM had a time of prayer and addressed something we were struggling with and a prayer for God's help. I was overwhelmed by all the women around me who struggled with a variety of things, things that I also struggle with at times. The new part for me is I wouldn't consider myself the one in need of prayer. I mean, I always can use prayer, but seeing the beautiful sister's around me struggling and suffering really inspired me to be a prayer warrior for them. It's the healthy soldiers that get sent to fight for the weak and hurting. For one of the first times in my life I'm in the state to be a warrior. My life is fairly easy. I'm waiting on grad school apps, my classes are light, my role in COM is fulfilled and I have lots of people helping me. I'm getting a real life definition of God lavishing me with blessings and realizing that his love and blessings are more abundant than we can imagine. Today I realized God had given me more blessings than I could imagine, and by then end of the day he had given me even more. "Morning by morning new mercies I see."  I am convinced that I am to pour out on others all the blessings that have been poured on me. I know God will be my strength so I can be a warrior for the amazing girls I am surrounded by.

Epiphany

I've discovered something very important and exciting today.

I like myself.

Quite a lot.

I think I'm fun, nice, pretty, loveable, kind, and so on an so on

Perhaps its all the extra endorphins from doing Zumba, or maybe, just maybe I've finally learned to love myself :)

Maybe both! Haha.

I don't think I'm perfect by any means, and I don't think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. BUT, I am not ugly. And that's a-ok with me!

Either way, I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of my own equivalent of prince charming, I'm worthy of being chased and my love being worked for. And there may not be an earthly man who does all those things. But that's ok. Because, I know my heavenly father does :)

Life is GOOD!

You'll find somoene someday...

I have a pet peeve I'd like to share:

 I get so annoyed when people say that I'll find a man someday. Sometimes it's accompanied with compliments to make me feel better, or people adding in a comment about Gods timing. But the gist is always the same. And it almost infuriates me. The first thing that comes to mind when I hear that is God hasn't promised me anything about having any sort of man in my life but himself. So, really your words of encouragement and your guess and your assumption based on statistics which are, yes, in my favor of finding someone someday, are merely that. Guesses. There's a chance I may never marry as well. It's all about God's plan which I have no insight into right now.

But, I think part of the anger is a whiplash reaction to people commenting on and acknowledging that they have figured out my biggest fear. It's not like I try to hide it, but it is uncomfortable to acknowledge it. ESPECIALLY when I wasn't intentionally bringing it up. It's normal for me to get angry when people show that they have insight into me without me out rightly telling them something. Weaknesses are something we guard and try to hide because someone can hurt us if they know what they are.

Also, it annoys me when someone shrugs that statement off. It's almost an irritated answer. Just because a majority of women struggle with this fear doesn't mean slapping some generic band aid comment on it will make it better.

The bottom line is that God is in charge of my life. Maybe he'll give me a spouse and maybe he won't. Either way he's got my best interest in mind and no matter which way I go it'll be the best life God could give me. UGH. Don't tell me I'll fin a man!

That's the Truth Ruth.

"Can I say something to you young ladies here? I'm trying to pick my words carefully here. Your husband, whoever he is, single ladies, will have an unbelievable amount of influence over your sons and daughters in regards to spiritual things. If you want your children to love Jesus deeply, hold out for a man that is Godly. And let me tell you this: I am well aware that Godly men are rare. Lots of neat Christian boys, not a lot of Godly men. And we're working our tails off for you to try to develop some into that. But don't settle, because it's better that you be lonely now than you be married and lonely later. Are you tracking with me? It is better that you be lonely now than for you to get married to a man that will teach your kids everything but the way of Jesus." -Matt Chandler

"He's a good time cowboy casanova leanin' up against the record machine. Looks like a cool drink of water but he's candy-coated misery. He's the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night. Gives you feelings that you don't wanna fight. You better run for your life." I was suppose to keep myself in check. *sigh* I failed. I caught myself day dreaming about him yesterday and today. AND I was waaaaay too disappointed that I didn't get to see him this weekend. This has gotta end now. It's going to end now. I'm worried though. I can't seem to shake this whole fall-really-hard-for-guys after a short period of content with being single thing. People are always saying love will find you when you're not looking. I don't think I'm going to ever stop looking. When you want something SO BADLY how are you suppose to just give up and stop looking? At this rate I'm never going to fall in love. *sigh*