"He's a good time cowboy casanova leanin' up against the record machine. Looks like a cool drink of water but he's candy-coated misery. He's the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night. Gives you feelings that you don't wanna fight. You better run for your life." I was suppose to keep myself in check. *sigh* I failed. I caught myself day dreaming about him yesterday and today. AND I was waaaaay too disappointed that I didn't get to see him this weekend. This has gotta end now. It's going to end now. I'm worried though. I can't seem to shake this whole fall-really-hard-for-guys after a short period of content with being single thing. People are always saying love will find you when you're not looking. I don't think I'm going to ever stop looking. When you want something SO BADLY how are you suppose to just give up and stop looking? At this rate I'm never going to fall in love. *sigh*

CRAP

crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAP!

I was in a good place and then I started thinking too much again. I'm in the early stages of a crush and I need to get back out somehow. I know he's not interested so I think

I need to just stay friends with him but not hang out any more than we were before my crush flared up.

I need to keep myself in check when I'm around him and not look too much into his actions.

I need to remember that I can accept the affirmation and attention from him, but that doesn't mean I need to fall head over heels for him.

I need to remember he just wants to be friends

I need to remember that God is in control of this and just because this one guy isn't interested at the moment doesn't mean no one is ever going to be.

I need to remember to be patient, stuff like this takes a lot of time. A LOT of it.

I need to remember that I am beautiful, smart and funny, that a guy would be lucky to have me and that I have worth.

I need to realize the value of having a friend I'm not crushing on

I need to just live life in the most God pleasing way possible, have fun and feel good about myself.

I need to remember that it's ok to do nice things to show people how I feel, I just can't have any expectations in return.

I don't need this guy or any guy. I'm not lonely - I have a lot of really great friends.

Someday I WILL get to cuddle, hold hands and kiss. SOMEDAY.

Bumps in the Road

I've FINALLY gotten to a good spot again. My heart is my own again and I've decided to give it to God who's the only man who can keep it safe. But, I keep running into the desire to be loved by a guy here in person. I know this is normal but it's difficult to stay strong and ignore the crushes I feel forming on guys or not acting in a way so that guys affirm my worth and beauty by giving me attention. I really, really want to like someone and have them like me back and just plain be in LOVE. I know that's not the right place to look though. I keep thinking I'm seeking God for the fulfillment of those desires but they're not going away. I'm also struggling with the need and desire to be affirmed by guys. I caught myself desperately wanting a guy to want to sit next to me, to compliment me in any way, to WANT me and find me breathtakingly gorgeous and want to full out pursue me. I know these feelings are natural, but I don't think it's right to act on them and try to get that affirmation. But, I don't know how else to get it either and it's leaving me frustrated and depressed. I'm trying to live my life in a way that's pleasing to God and have him fulfill these desires but it's not working and maybe I'm just not doing it right. The bottom line is I feel alone and empty and just sad. All I know to do at this point is to tell God about it and give it to him.