God Gave Me You.

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

Dave Barnes - God Gave Me You

Black Friday!

"I desire the things which will destroy me in the end." - Sylvia Plath

Don't make someone your priority when you're only their option

I'm going to make a change. My hair will be shorter and have red streaks in it if all goes according to plan. You see, I'm desperate to chance my feelings and since I can't control those I'm going to change the things I can, like my hair. I just wish I had some sort of romantic outlet. I have all these romantic notions and feelings and quotes and lyrics and no one to share them with or apply them to. I am beginning to the that instead of being hopelessly romantic I am just romantically hopeless...and picky. *sigh* It's just one of those days...

No facebook?!?!?!

I'm taking a break from facebook because it has come to my attention that I'm very addicted to it, and what's worse is I've let what people post - specifically one person - really begin to affect me. I thought exposing myself to it would help me get over him but I came to realize it was knocking me down and that I need to separate myself from him as much as I can bear. Let me tell you breaking two addictions at once is a hard task. Thankfully I am ever so agonizingly, slowly getting over him and I've even begun to develop some minor feelings for someone else. What I'm afraid of though is plowing forward with this new interest despite not being over that first and ultimately hurting an extremely decent and wonderful human being. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened, but at the same time I don't want to just sit around constantly nursing my broken heart and waiting to see if boy #1 maybe comes around. His heart is invested in someone else so why can't I do the same?

On another line of thought, It kills every time someone thinks I'm dating the first guy. I've had to explain to far more people than I'd like about how we're not together and how we're not going to be together anytime in the near future and that he doesn't even like me. To make matters worse people don't believe me. -_- Today a woman saw me hand him my keys and I saw this look cross her eyes. I'm sure a thought along the lines of "What a cute young couple" crossed her mind and that stung like a thousand bees attacking my heart. I wanted to turn around and clarify: "We're NOT dating." But saying it out loud would only feel like a punch on top of all those bee stings.

I can't seem to figure out why everyone seems to see us together except him. My only conclusion is that my affections for him are so strong that they kind of eclipse our whole relationship and that's all that people see. Another could be that it's extremely rare for a male and female to be that close of friends and not date.

The thing is I'm torn between two completely opposite emotions. On one hand I'm utterly infatuated with him, and he's a wonderful person and deserves that type of love and I wish I could be that for him. But, I know that my love is not helpful, but actually a burden for him, and what he needs - at least from me - is a great, fantastic friend who is there for him through thick and thin and takes that extra step to help ease his burden. And I want and even love being that person for him. I'm trying so hard to only be that person for him but I can't ignore my self. I've always played the part of the good friend in all my cross gender relationships and I'm ready to try a romantic relationship, my only problem is that there's no one else in my life at that point. I'm struggling with trying to figure out whose need is more authentic and greater and most of the time my decision is on his side, but is there a point where my need would trump his own? For example, he's ready to try another romantic relationship, albeit with someone else, but if he's attempting to get those needs met by someone else does that kind of relieve me from duty and free me to pursue my own? I think it would be immensely easier if I could fulfill both those roles. In that situation both our needs would be met by each other which is exactly how a relationship works. Alas, that is not how life works. Now I'm watching him go through almost THE EXACT situation with a girl that I'm going through with him. Ironic much?

I'm fully confident that God has a plan in motion and I should have known to guard my heart in this friendship. Our friendship means so much to me and I'm struggling to figure out where the boundaries are between friends and more than friends. I like how things are right now, but my emotions are getting in the way and the fact that people think we're dating means that we need to be more conservative with our boundaries. But, I feel like that relationship sucks. I don't want to have a more distant friendship where we don't hang out one on one and can't be open with each other about stuff. WHY CAN'T WE JUST DATE?! Blah. Stupid emotions.

All these complications make me emotionally "drunk" if you will. Then I come here or write in my journal and end up just regurgitating everything I'm feeling and I feel better and I cope. But I don't know if that's the proper way to deal with things...

Last week I took on too much emotionally; I was angry at something somewhat petty, but important to me and I was heartbroken to see his affections aimed at someone else. Which hurts a lot, yes, but I know how to deal with that pain. I could write a freaking book on how to deal with that. The hardest emotion to deal with was knowing that the person he cares for is already in a relationship and leading him on hardcore. It was VERRRY obvious. THAT, I was not used to dealing with. I felt his pain and unjustly felt angry toward the girl for putting him in a position that is eerily similar to my own, but ultimately worse. My heart automatically wanted to go out and feel for my friend, but when it did it was still healing from being broken by the same person - unintentionally - and coping with being angry at said person. Who knew it was possible to like someone, be angry with them and empathize with them?! WAAAY too many emotions right? No wonder I was a mess.

Thankfully, OH SO THANKFULLY I'm better, I've handled the anger and kind of shrugged off most of the empathy - to my dismay - because I just can't right now, and my heart is healing. Authentically. Because God cares for me and by committing more of my heart to him the earthly "loves" slowly fade. I know that if it's his plan for me to share an earthly love with a man he'll make a little piece of my heart available to give him, so long as I love my God first and foremost. Pretty easy conditions if you ask me. I just gotta learn to be patient. Easier said than done you say? Watch me. There is nothing that is going to stop me from trying my hardest and not messing up. Again.

It would be easier to let you go if I didn't have to

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Addicted - Kelly Clarkson

"Sometimes someone comes into your life that changes everything. Raises the standards, makes you laugh, and makes you feel like you. There's something about him that you can't put into words and even though you're not with him, you don't want to let him go."

Quote

"Do you miss him at the most happy and fulfilling times of your life? Just because you miss him when the world is quiet and you feel alone doesn’t mean you love him. You will miss anyone when you’re lonely. It’s when your life is going great and you still feel that ache in your heart because he isn’t there to see the genuine smile on your face and happiness in your life."

"I just want to make you:
Laugh
Think
Happy
Smile
Proud
Hope
Believe
LOVE ME."

Halloween! Halloween!

So, this has nothing to do with Halloween. Haha. So, random fact: Exactly a year ago I posted about how much I love "Music of the Night" from Phantom of the Opera, and guess who happens to be listening to it again?! Exciting. I still stand by everything I said about his voice. GORGEOUS.

So, my boy predicament? Same. Well, I suppose not. He's not interested. But I still am so now I'm kind of in a rut. Blech. It's not like I've never been here before. I've recently come to discover through the help of the ever wise Sarah that I tend to be attracted to guys who disagree and argue with me. In a mostly joking manner of couse, but still. I don't understand why, its not that it's terribly bothersome, but it does irk me a bit. THEN she mentioned she thinks it's because of my dad. AND I THINK SHE'S RIGHT. And this, my blog friend scares the crap out of me. I love my dad, but I cannot-will not marry someone like him. At least in a few specific ways. Really I wish I could just move on. *sigh*

My duh moment today.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

Spot on...

"I hate that feeling, when you feel hungry, but you don't want any food you see, and you can't figure out what food you want, and you don't think it even exists, but then you realize that what you want is to see the person you're missing."

"Forget the nightlife, you're my favorite thing about this town"

Cross Your Fingers - the Summer Set

Tiger Lily - Matchbook Romance

We drive tonight and you are by my side
We're talking about our lives
Like we've know each other forever
And time flies by
With the sound of your voice
It's close to paradise
With the end surely near

And if I could only stop the car
And hold on to you
I'd never let go
I'd never let go

As we round the corner to your house
You turned to me and said:
"I'll be going through withdrawal of you
for this one night we have spent."

And I want to speak these words
But I guess I'll just bite my tongue
And accept "someday, somehow"
As the words that we'll hang from

And I, I don't want to speak these words
Cause I, I don't want to make things any worse
And I, I don't want to speak these words
Cause I, I don't want to make things any worse

Why does tonight have to end?
Why don't we hit restart
And pause it at our favorite parts
We'll skip the goodbyes

If I had it my way
I'd turn the car around
And run away just you and I.

I Surrender

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

Could it be?

I am so tired of trying to decipher if something's between us besides friendship. If there is I really wish you would just pursue me already! I'm pretty sure I've made it pretty obvious that I am interested. You've had a tumultuous romantic history so I can wait, but after awhile I will make myself give up. I'm tired of the guessing and uncertainty :/

It's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shinin' when I close my eyes

This weekend was so much fun. I had a campfire at my friend Sarah P's on Friday and spent Saturday evening to Sunday evening celebrating the birth of my good friend Marie. I saw some other friends from school and that was really awesome but made me really want to go back to school. I miss that atmosphere and I really miss my friends there. It doesn't help that half of my friends from home are gone too. Otherwise life is good. I made the mistake of watching "The Holiday" today though. TOTALLY put me in a bad mindset and now I'm anxious about the future and if I get a turn at love and romance. Also, Jude Law is SUCH a gorgeous man. Lately a lot of thoughts have gone unspoken and are swimming around my head. It's been driving me crazy, I wish I could just clear it all out, where's my empty recycle bin button. *sigh* Oh well, a lot worse could happen. Summer's going to be over in 4 weeks and I'm not going to spend any of it it some romantic slump.

"There's some hard times in the neighborhood, but why can't everyday be just this good?"

Happiness

I'm such a giant extrovert. Yesterday and Today were spent in the company of really great friends and I am so happy. I get so much energy when I'm with the people I love. I feel loved in return and I laugh and I hug and I sing and I feel completely free to be myself. Lately I've been thinking about the future and what I'd like to have happen. I really do hope I can get married someday. I worry though as well. For example, if I stay the way I am being pregnant and having children could be dangerous for both people and there's just so many obstacles that I really don't think any man would want to overcome. If I'm being honest with myself I wouldn't want to make the effort. I think I'm hard to love :/ BUT if my friends make the effort to deal with my quirks and be there for me, who knows? I can't put a limit on what God can do. I have faith that however my future turns out, I will be filled with joy and a love for my father.

SA-WOON

Anywhere But Here - SafetySuit.

Future husband please serenade me with aforementioned song.
Much obliged.

It's Beginning to FINALLY feel like summer.

Today was a trying day, but an enjoyable day none the less. Today I was reminded how blessed I am to babysit such sweet kids and have some of the funniest and wittiest people around as friends. Even though the sun hates me and I love it, I realize how blessed I was to see and feel the warm sun today. Life has ups and downs and it's big surprises but when you slow down and enjoy one day at a time it's a little bit more manageable. I have unanswered questions and prayers, but

life is good.

Forgotten

So, like many before me, when I'm avoiding coming to terms with something unpleasant I immerse myself in something else to avoid it. Right now it's babysitting and being with friends. But, then I get these little reminders of that thing I'm avoid and it's like a brick is thrown onto my lungs and I start to panic because as it turns out, avoid a problem doesn't make it go away.

But, I've failed to acknowledge God in all of this. He has a plan and there's something to learn from the situation I'm avoiding. I'm hurt. God wants me to find comfort in him and grow in him. How could I have forgotten that? The idea of my heart falling more in love with him while healing from being broken excited me and I don't want to forget that possibility again.

The New "You Belong With Me"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxr5Pmip4OQ

You. Are. So. INFURIATING.

I spilled my personal thoughts to you.

Please say something.

Anything.

I can change, I promise.

Everything is dark and invisible except for the few lucky objects illuminated by the filtering pale moonlight. Headlights creep over a hill momentarily washing everything in a sterile white. Inside the car is a rolling ocean of
thoughts,
worries,
dreams.

The writer boy.
The one who's incredibly handsome, romantic, poetic, oblivious...

and unavailable.

Realization painfully strikes like a bolt of lightning and thunderheads of shame, inadequacy,
annoyance,
and heartache appear out of nowhere.
tears slowly seep down like small raindrops and increase in speed and size until they're a torrential downpour and deep sobs rumble deep within a throbbing heart.

The storm at that moment seems so immense that there is no end to be found.

But, slowly, oh so agonizingly slowly the ocean calms once more.
But the ocean is changed though.
Never to be the same.
Time has not found it well
and before you know it another storm appears foreboding in the distance.
Ready to strike at any time.

Outside the ocean the black fades to red and a new beginning emerges.

crash and burn

Oh, did you hear that sound? Yeah, that was my self-control utterly failing again. The weird part though was when I finally gave in to my crush the very same instant he was off limits. Very funny God... So I'm going through this dilemma. For the first time I really enjoy talking to a friend and I don't ever want to stop. We have great give and take and it's enjoyable. Although I have developed feelings for this person, I'm conflicted about how much I can enjoy being in his company just as friends. I feel like I should be able to spend hours talking and laughing with someone who's just a friend and not only with someone you're romantic with. But, the amount of flirting that takes place is humongous and if he's taken that's not ok. As a girl I would not want the person I was dating to be that flirty with another girl and therefore I think whatever kind of friendship or what not we had going has come to it's untimely end. Now I'm just trying to get past it. It shocks me how much it hurts to realize that. Stupid heart with your stupid girly emotions.

On another note, I'm officially home and I'm already ready to go back *sigh* I hope the entire summer isn't this bleak. :/

"We're afraid to care too much for fear that the other person does not care at all."

So, I crush on guys fairly easily. This is usually not something I try to hide, but I do hold myself back from gushing non-stop about whoever that not-so-lucky guy is. It's extremely irrational and my imagination is too overactive for my own good.

All this to say, my crush bug has bitten again. *sigh* I'm actually doing a fairly good job of restraining myself I'd like to think. This time, instead of embracing my non-realistic fantasies I've been stopping myself and praying. Although this is difficult and often times not what I'd rather do, I'm really learning a lot from it. God is using this uncomfortable and emotional situation and helping me grow which is what I want more than anything. But my hope dies slowly and I can't help imagining how a relationship could turn out between us. It probably won't. I have confidence that if it doesn't though, God has an even better guy for me or an even better opportunity single that I wouldn't be able to do if I was tied down. Still hard though.

Otherwise, life is pretty normal here. Oh yeah, "here" is now Eastern Illinois University. This is my first semester here, and it's now going to close in 3 weeks. It's been fabulous I've grown so much, learned so much and lived a life I'm really happy of. The semi-independence of being away from parents yet still having people provide you with food and money and instructions is ingenious. Thank you creators of college. I'm really bummed that my stay is 2 years short but I'm glad to be here.

And now, to end this post with a joke:

Neon walks into a bar,
the bartender says: "We don't serve noble gasses here!"
Neon doesn't react.

=D