Changes

Who are you? I don't know who you are anymore. In the past 9 months you've completely changed. Unless you were completely faking last summer. Even still. You've changed so much. For the worst in my opinion. We talked about God, our faith, the hard stuff. What changed? Now you're colder, meaner, considerably less loving. I don't want to love you let alone spend 5 minutes with you. Who in the world are you? You can't possibly be happy with this person you've become. Where's the guy that wrote that note taking about romance and loving everyone, all people and that guy who wants to have a relationship and pursuit of God as his primary goal? Where did he go???? HE'S that one I want to be with. HE is a man worthy of girl's affections. HE is the one i want to be friends with. Looking back I can see where the changes started ever so slowly 9 months accumulation of slow festering awful life changes is very apparent now. You don't love like you used to, and maybe some of that is my fault for pushing and being stupidly stubborn in my pursuit and feelings for you, but you had, and you still have a choice. Don't be the douche who swears all the freaking time, the one who is easily annoyed by people, the one who fights fire with fire and is utterly awful to people who are mean to him. The one who wants to get drunk to avoid feelings. The one who wants to bottle everything up. I know you know the truth, the bible but you chose to ignore it and subsequently ignore God. If I miss the old you that I barely knew, how much does God miss you? I don't think you should change just because I, Ruth, think you should. That's dumb. But I think you should change because GOD wants you to live a lifestyle that honors and pleases him. There's no better reason than that.

On a different note. Do you want to know the back story of my falling for you? It started last spring when I was growing with God sooo rapidly and was growing in my contentment with being single. I wasn't completely thrilled, but it was the best I'd ever been. I had been making a list of all the ideal qualities I would find in my future husband. One day I decided to add "not from Illinois" to my list because I like to travel and I wanted to be able to see new places. I then was really sad because what were the chances of me finding someone not from this state at a STATE school. Not even a few weeks later I saw you sitting by yourself and opted to keep you company. You wanna know what what of the first things out of your mouth was? "I'm from Michigan." Maybe it was a sign then, maybe not. It doesn't matter now but that exact moment was when I decided to ask God if maybe he was finally giving me what I'd been not so patiently waiting so long for. We would talk for hours that felt like mere seconds. At one point I pulled out my list of ideal qualities I want in a husband and you fit if not every single one, almost all of them. Maybe I exaggerated a bit because I wanted to make it work, but either way it did. Then summer started and I knew I wouldn't see you until next fall. So, we talked through messages. We started debating about the hard questions in our faith. We taught each other, sharpened each other and quoted scripture to each other. We talked about how good we thought God was and our goals to grow in Christ. Can you blame me for falling for you after that?

Then you came to visit me in August and we again, spent hours that felt like minutes talking. After this though, things started going bad at a sloth pace. We didn't talk about God anymore or faith. My relationship with God wavered and my boy craziness took over but we became best friends so I was happy. You started opening up to be, you told me your ex-girlfriend's name and I thought for sure that that was a great sign. Then the weekend before Halloween rolled around. You hadn't actually been being completely open with me which was fine, but you were hurting because you'd fallen for a girl who already had a boyfriend but was still leading you on hardcore. You opened up to me again after getting completely obliterated drunk. You talked about your ex, your hurts, your dark past, and this new girl. It hurt me to see you hurt and to listen to what you were saying. I cried. BUT I STAYED THERE FOR YOU. Halloween came and I realized the extent to which you liked her and didn't like me. That killed me, but I understood - at least to an extent. A rift formed that day and although we tried to fix it and made it manageable to handle, it couldn't be perfect again.

Flash to the night you texted me 'cause you needed to talk. You were so hurt and that hurt me and I wanted to reach out and comfort you but I was worried that my emotions would get in the way. I just wanted to be there for you without *me* causing more problems.

I drove you home when you were drunk that night right before winter break. I stayed with you until 5 in the morning. I asked you if you ever thought of me as more than a friend. You said you had, but you had friend zoned me. You assured me that there was an extremely small change that you'd ever let me out of the friend zone.

Then I went home for winter break. The day before I left I asked you if you'd miss me. You're response was encouraging, something along the lines of a "DUH" and you came to visit me for news years eve where my friends tried to set us up. I wanted to kiss you SO BAD but I couldn't promise you that nothing would change because the biggest thing I wanted was for something to change. I thought maybe you seemed a little rejected at it, but I guess I was wrong.

I then told you that I had been struggling with my feelings for you so we decided to distance ourselves this semester. I hated that decision, still do. That night I got drunk because it hurt and that's the last time I ever want to do that. It didn't help.

Now were here. Our friendship wrecked. We hardly talk or see each other.

If I was really such a great friend why have you just let me go? I think you're full of crap excuses. I don't know who you are, I don't know if I ever actually did. Let it be known that if I walk away from this friendship it's not because your past was too dark or because of anything you've ever done. It's because of what you DIDN'T do. You didn't man up and confront you feelings for five minutes, you didn't make a proactive steps to try and fix our friendship that was "so great", you didn't come after me when I walked away.