Confusion.

"Run towards God with all your heart. And when you are ready for a relationship, look around and see who's running beside you."

I thought that's what I did.

Way back last April you caught my eye like a comet streaking across a night sky and I thought to myself "Perhaps this is it." And it certainly started that way. You were the first one to give me all your attention, we talked almost non-stop. If I had had the choice it would have been that way. Through out the summer it stayed that way and although I knew deep down that when I saw you beside me I stopped running I convinced myself to ignore that. Now looking back at it all I can see that I back tracked to meet you where you were when you didn't even want me. Not only was I rejected, but I gave up what should have been most important to me.

Now I'm getting back on track though. I've found the path I was initially on again and have retraced those steps. I'm not in a great place, but it's better. If you run down this path to we could be together, don't you see that? But, I guess that doesn't interest you because you don't want me.

Or do you? I honestly don't know at this point. I can dream and hope for the best and I can suspect the worst but I don't KNOW. What kills me is when I talk with others they all keep telling me you must like me. Surely if they all think you do, and if I think you do, you do? But, you promised you'd tell me if you ever had feelings for me and your actions speak that you don't. But, maybe you're just covering it up? You cherish my friendship to the extent that you would hide romantic feelings to maintain it? If that's the case it breaks my heart. You don't know how long I've been waiting to be loved by a man.

I had a dream about you last night. We were in a sort of movie theater and we were standing by a screen. I had my arms wrapped tight around your waist and your arm was around me. After a second you leaned down and kissed my forehead. In the dream all I could think was "This is it! FINALLY. After all this time he really does feel something and he's finally going to share it with me." Then I woke up. The dream was so real, so vivid. It took me a couple minutes to discern that yes, this really was a dream and that I've never, ever wanted a dream to be as true as this one. I wanted to cry. I still do.

All I can do now is cry out to God and run to his arms for a refuge. I constantly am asking him to reveal what's really going on with us, but for some reason I don't think that's in his plans. I haven't stopped loving you yet. I wish it weren't such a slow process and that God would just snatch it all away already.